Well, Christmas season is well upon us, which means one thing - idiots.   No matter where you go, there they are.  You could be in line at PetSmart buying some Alpo, and there would be one of these dolts who don't know how to work the credit card keypad or want to pay with a goddamn Diner's Club card.  And God forbid they want to write out a check - you'd think they were filling out a loan application for a house.  Thankfully, I was able to get most of my shopping done relatively early in the season.  THE absolute worst day for shopping is Christmas Eve.  I know you'd probably guess 'black Friday'.  Black Friday isn't so bad.  Sure, there are tons of people out there, but they know what they want, and they know how to get it.  These are the commando shoppers - they drop in like ninjas, scoop up their merchandise, and whip out that credit card so fast, you only see a blur.  Christmas Eve is when all the idiots wake up and realize, "holy crap, tomorrow's Christmas!!  Why didn't anybody tell me?!"    It's not like they  were waiting on a paycheck, because no banks are going to be open that day.  We're talking a perfect storm of laziness, procrastination, and good ol' fashioned stupidity. 

     Years ago when I worked at Wal-Mart, one of the solitary joys was locking the doors on these morons at 6 p.m. Christmas Eve.  The management got all the guys that worked there to act as bouncers, and for a brief moment, it was payback for every asshole customer you had to put up with the previous year.  Now, they were forced to go buy their Christmas presents at the gas station or a lighted waterfall painting from some guy in the van parked on the corner of Vets and David Dr.  (That is one business savvy sonofabitch.)  This has evolved into one of the many Christmas traditions Susan and I have each year, that is, when she's not working. At 6 p.m. on Christmas Eve, go get yourself some get eggnog daiquiris (Jax Dax on Vets is the best, because they're awesomely strong, and in the same parking lot as Wal-Mart).  Then,  park on the outer edge of a Wal-Mart parking lot.  Start drinking, because what you're about to see is so much funnier with a buzz.  You may miss the initial lock down, but that's okay.  What you're after is the post-game show.  After a while, all the customers will eventually clear out.  Then, the basket wranglers will move all the baskets in front of the doors for good measure, followed by a mass exodus of haggard employees.  After a few minutes, you'll be one of the only cars in the lot. 

Then watch what happens. 

     Sure enough, the idiots will start to show.  At first, a few will pull up to the doors, realize they're closed, and then drive away.  But the real champions (who have that never-say-die attitude) will actually park their car, get out, shimmy between the barricade of shopping carts, and try to go into the store.  Never mind that the lights are off, and the doors are locked.  What happens next is almost textbook.  They'll knock a few times on the glass, and then put their face up to the door, using their hands to shield any outside light in order to see better into the darkened store.  I kinda know the deranged and desperate thought process that goes on inside that useless hunk of mass they call a brain, but it's still fascinating to watch.  So if you're free this Christmas Eve, by all means, follow the plan, and head for a Wal-Mart.  Because that's what the season is all about - knowing that some jackass is giving his kids New Orleans road maps and air fresheners for Christmas.

Ho. Ho. Ho.

Oh, by the way, I need to go to Bavaria one Christmas to see THIS.  It's like GWAR putting on a Christmas pageant.