Well, another Thanksgiving is coming to an end.  And finally,  I've realized my dream of spending the day alone and dining on pizza for my feast.  Every year, I have to hear nothing but complaints from both sides of the family about the hustle and bustle of creating a feast of biblical proportions.  My smart-ass solution was always,  "just order pizza".  Well, as fate would have it, I would heed my own advice today.  My parents went to Atlanta, and Susan had to work.  I was so jazzed.  I haven't had pizza delivered in years, so I didn't know if they took checks or just cash, so to be on the safe side, I went to the ATM and pulled out enough cash for a large pizza and a tip for the poor bastard that's gotta work on such a family-oriented holiday (like I had to for so many years at the 'Coin).  Well, as Santa was bringing up the rear of the Macy's parade, my stomach started growling, like some type of Pavlovian/Cringle response.

I knew my options were limited.  My usual pizza place - The Italian Pie was definitely closed, so I thumbed through the yellow pages for a suitable substitute.

I dialed Papa John's.  

No answer.

Hmmm, maybe they're closed today, I thought.

I reluctantly dialed Dominos.  Their pizza tastes like ketchup on old cardboard, but it's still pizza.

No answer. 

What the hell?!  Did they suddenly find family values, too?  Great, I was poised to have a great Thanksgiving, and now it was going to be pizza-less.  I even toyed with the idea of maybe going get Chinese, but the hell with that - I WANT PIZZA!!  I remembered that my brother-in-law had to work at Wal*Mart today, so I went by to see if I could at least score some DiGiorno's pizza.  I tell ya, old Wally World was deserted - a pleasant surprise!  I guess the masses were home with family, like a bunch of chumps, stuffing their faces with turkey and the ilk.   The lack of screaming children and the morbidly obese on scooters was a pleasant surprise.   I decided that if I was going to have my own dinner, I would do it right.  The main course was a DiGiorno's supreme pizza with a side of corn chips with artichoke/garlic hummus .  For dessert, I would dine on a coconut macaroon that Susan got me from Gambino's and a chocolate Hubig's pie.  I know it's no comparison to the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving dinner, but it was everything I had hoped.  Now, I can cross Thanksgiving pizza off my list of things to do before I die.  I still need to conquer the Moon and become the King of Antarctica / Lord of the penguins.  I'll get to that next year...

Good luck to all you suckers getting up before God tomorrow morning and battling the other cheapskates in order to save $5 on a Christmas gift. 

Merry Christmas, tightwads!


Black Friday sad/asinine edit proving my point -

Wal-Mart worker dies after shoppers knock him down

And people wonder why I hate society.  I'm sure Wal-Mart will try to sweep this under the rug as quickly as possible.  A person's life is now only worth 10% off of a flat screen t.v.